DISCLAIMER:
Bear in mind that carrying out any of these experiments I'm about to describe to you may be illegal on your plane of existence. Not only that, but since the frequencies of reality differ widely from plane to plane, you might not get any results -- or worse, you might get some very dangerous results. Bottom line: if you find yourself in a jam, legal or otherwise, don't blame me, and don't say I didn't warn you. In fact, I'll go so far as to invoke the old standby:
THIS INFORMATION IS PRESENTED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.
There. Now tell your next of kin to leave me out of the subpoena.

Helpful Hints:

• For re-animation to progress past the cellular stage, you have to use a corpse that's fairly fresh -- and intact. A severed hand grasping at your ankle scores pretty high on the "creepy" scale, but you really do need most of the connections in the nervous system to link up in order for the development of the zombie to take its natural, healthy course. (Therefore, a skeleton with no muscles to pull against the bone is not going to get up and move around without some serious mojo.)

• Use a subject which has all of its original parts. Do not attempt some Frankensteinian cut-n-paste job. In most cases, it won't work -- the multiple frequencies needed to resonate with all the different cells make it impossible...almost. If it does work, you will have several zombies sharing one body, and all of them will be very, very upset with the arrangement. Better to have one intact undead person, however abby-normal they may be, than a whole bunch of hoppin' mad pieces all sewn together and mobile.

• Don't be stupid -- have something ready for the zombie to eat.

Now. Raising your zombie is not going to be anything like a George A. Romero movie. (You'll note that all of the zombies raised in those movies are made by other zombies. For details on that process, keep reading in the "Zombification" section.) No, this is for all you crazy kids who've always wanted to be mad scientists. If you can get this to work, your new friend will eventually be able to raise an army of zombies for you, if that's what you really want, and if you're very nice to him or her.

Jymi: Honey, will you raise me an army of zombies?

Yes, dear, of course. Just let me finish this section.

1. Preparing the Body
Do your zombie a favor: embalm him or her before you begin the reanimation procedure. I'll assume that you already know how to do that; I'm not going to go over embalming here. That's basic stuff, and if you don't know how to preserve a corpse, you've got no business reanimating one.

Embalming does not hinder the zombie's comfort in any way. It does help to ensure that the zombie won't be embarrassed by unsightly blood pooling, offensive odors emanating from his or her body, and/or advancing putrefaction. No one wants that.

You can, however, skip the cotton-wads-in-the-orifices step. That's just nasty.

2. Doo-dads, Whachamajigits & Thingies (aka "Equipment")

• One Van de Graff generator capable of emitting extremely high voltages
• One large (body-sized) tub made of clear, shatter-proof glass, with drainage tap, insulated bottom and restraints
• Six frequency meters (It's convenient to construct a device which incorporates these in one casing)
• One long plastic tube with reservoir
• About 50 gallons (give or take; enough to fill the tub) of Na+ (60%) H₂O (40%) solution
  (I don't need to tell you to use pure distilled H₂O, do I? Good.)
• Precision timer
• Enough wires to choke a horse (also insulated -- the wires, not the horse)
• Beer

3. Variables and Equations and All That Thinky Stuff
Essentially, what we're doing here is turning the body into an organic capacitor. By placing it in the positive sodium solution and jamming electrons through the central nervous system via the VdG generator, you set up a potential difference between the inner tissues and the outer solution. The charge builds and releases at regular intervals, forcing energy through the cells at a particular frequency. When you hit the right frequency for the energy associated with that body's life force -- bingo. Easy enough, right? The problem is figuring out how long you need to apply the current, and the correct frequency of said current, since it's going to be different for every body.

We'll be working with the six major energy centers within the body itself (new-age whoo-hoos call them Chakras¹). And, to make it easy, we'll define them according to the colors with which they're usually associated. Class, please open your Gray's and follow along:

It's like a little rainbow, isn't that nice? Hey, I never said I could draw. Quit smirking or I'll nosh your eyeballs.

Violet (v): The hypothalamus, thalamus, and pineal gland in the diancephalon Blue (b): The rima glottidis in the larynx Green (g): The upper interventricular septum, between the pulmonary and aortic semilunar valves Yellow (y): Right between the semilunar ganglia, in the solar plexus Orange (o): The lower abdominal cavity; energy center can be stimulated via the interior naval scar tissue Red (r): Major nerve clusters of the naughty bits: in males, the glans penis; in females, the clitoris. Note: I'm borrowing heavily from the Hindu Chakra system because of the obvious parallels. It should not be inferred that these physical energy centers are where the actual Chakras can be found, since, according to the teachings, Chakras define the "subtle body", and as such, are undetectable on the physical planes. There are just some really interesting and useful corollaries.

You'll be measuring the frequency of the energy emitted by these centers, and their variables are expressed thusly:

f_c(v) = the frequency of the violet center. And so forth.
So... f_c(all) = f_c(v) + f_c(b) + f_c(g) + f_c(y) + f_c(o) + f_c(r)
And... f_c(all) av = f_c(all) / 6

Remember that we'll be dealing with a spectrum of total average frequency values. So when necessary, they're differentiated in the equations with the following subscripts:

f_c(all) av_{1 = The total average frequency of the body before reanimation.}
f_c(all) av_{d = The total average frequency of the body at any point during the process.}
f_c(all) av_{2 = The total average frequency of the body at the moment of reanimation.}

The variables for some other frequency measurements that you may find useful are:

• f_p = the frequency of the physical plane on which the subject was born. Perform your operation on this plane, since cross-planar reanimation calculations just get ridiculous.

• f_s = the frequency of the "soul plane²", the one from which the zombie will receive its life energy

• f_L = the life frequency: the result of f_s filtered through f_p of the physical cadaver.

f_L = f_c(all) av ( f_{s /} f_p )

This is the everyday, normal frequency,
so it's not going to be the same number as f_c(all) av₂ .

Then there's that all-important, life-giving voltage:

V_r = the voltage required for reanimation. This is most likely unknown at first, but the trial-and-error is greatly reduced by this equation:

V_r = [(2x)f_c(all) av₁] / _b
You're welcome.

Like the frequencies of musical octaves double as they go up, V_r is some octaval increment (x) of the residual frequencies in the corpse's energy centers. Don't forget to factor in the body's natural electrical resistance (_b). This should be measured after embalming, since the addition of new chemicals may change the result.

Next we need a few time measurements:

• t_L = the age of the body from birth to death, in seconds. (We love scientific notation! Yes, we do!) There's a little breathing room here: if you know the exact seconds, great; but the dates, hours and minutes on which these events occurred are sufficient for your calculations.
• t_d = the time in seconds that the body has been dead when the application of V_r begins.

• t_r = the time required for re-animation to occur; the number of seconds for which V_r should be applied to the body. There is significantly less breathing room for this. If the voltage is applied for too long, you won't get a zombie, but you can have fried corpse for dinner³, and at least that's better than a poke in the eye, isn't it?

t_r = (t_L + t_d) / t_L

4. I See You Shiver...with Re-an-i....mation

Ok, here's the set-up:

I'm not the best artist, but this works. You should at least be able to tell which of these shapes is the body, so I didn't bother numbering that. (Those black lines across it are the restraints, not the latest innovation in hemlines.)

1. The tank containing the Na+ solution.

2. The Van de Graff generator.

3. The drainage tube. This is basically just a siphon, but it's terrific how it keeps the Na+ solution positive. The draining end should be fitted near the bottom of the tank. Let the reservoir run behind the VdG, as close as you can get it without touching. Those black lines coming out of the reservoir are wires, and need to run to ground. When the VdG pumps electrons through the body, they eventually end up in the Na+ solution. If you don't keep that solution positive, the capacitor will reach a neutral (and then negative) charge pretty quick, and goodness knows, we don't want that. So when the drained solution reaches the reservoir, the negative charge on the VdG sends the extra electrons out through the ground wires. The solution then continues to the other end of the tube, all positive again, and re-fills the tank. Neat, huh?

4. This is the frequency meter. In my lab, I've combined all six meters with the controls for the VdG and a timer in one handy-dandy case. It gives me the readouts for each of the six energy center frequencies, one for the average frequency, a knob to adjust the voltage and another readout screen to tell me what I just adjusted the voltage to be. I swear, this thing does everything but play Pong. You don't need to get so fancy, but it's really convenient to have it all on one console.

5. Beer.

Step 1
I shouldn't need to tell you that the body needs to be nude, so I won't. Before you hook up any of the VdG wires to the body, find f_c(all) av_{1 .} This is done by placing the wires directly on the skin above the energy centers and turning on your meters. At no other point during the operation should the frequency meter wires touch the body or the solution. They should hang about a foot above water level. When the body reaches f_L, the meters will start jumping even from that height.

Step 2
Insert the VdG wires into the energy centers of the body. Yes, stick them right in there. What do you mean, "Oh gross"?! Listen pal, you're the one who's hoping your mom doen't come home early and find that corpse sitting in the fruit cellar next to the Van de Graff generator. Now open your pop-up anatomy book, and get with the wiring.

Just...er...please be extra careful with the ones that go into c(r). That's delicate.

Step 3
Fill the tank with the Na+ and get the drainage siphon going.

Step 4
Drink beer.

Step 5
Now it's just a matter of figuring out which "octave" of current is going to jump start the body's life energy. Turn on the VdG, and experiment with different values of x. Here's that equation again:

V_r = [(2x)f_c(all) av₁] / _b

You want to watch your frequency meters. They aren't going to do very much as f_c(all) av_d approaches f_s . When you find the correct value for x, they're going to go nuts.

During the course of daily life (for the living or the undead), the energy centers of the body rarely, if ever, measure the exact same frequency. Luckily, however, at the moment of reanimation, that's just exactly what they do.

The frequency meters will suddenly jump up to f_c(all) av₂ . At that point, you've hit V_r , so start your timer immediately. Apply V_r for the number of seconds equal to t_r . (You did remember to calculate t_r and set the timer to that number before you started, right?)

Step 6
When the timer dings, turn everything off immediately and see what you've got. If the body is still twitching, congratulations! You've achieved cellular reanimation. Drain the tank, remove the wires, but leave the restraints on until your new pal has progressed into the Cerebric stage of development. Depending on his or her original traits, this could take anywhere from a few minutes to several days -- assuming you feed him or her properly.

Step 7
Drink beer.

Post-Op Care

During the developmental stages, you should keep the zombie warm and help work the stiffness out of the muscles several times a day. (It's just like physical therapy.) If removing all the restraints is not an option, work one limb at a a time. And don't forget to talk to the zombie. Read aloud. Play music. All these activities will help the nervous system to readapt itself the energy patterns of life on your material plane.

Regarding the feeding, no, you can not just keep applying the energy from the VdG. That's not food. That would be like leaving the defibrillator going once someone's heart has regained its rhythm. Once reanimation has occurred, that energy is too much. Reanimation gave the physical nervous system a jolt from the "soul plane" (or at least its frequency equivalent), but in order to temper that jolt and stabilize the circuit, the zombie needs to take in organic energy of the physical plane. Provide your zombie with the nourishment he or she needs to calm down and rejoin society. We like beer, too, so feel free to offer.

¹ Not that I'm making fun of the concept, but I think the ancient Hindu Masters would be surprised at all the asinine spewage that goes on these days, supposedly based on their precise metaphysical science.

² Wasn't that a dance program in the 70s?

³ See "The Undead Lifestyle" section for some yummy recipes. They're deadlicious. To die for. Finger-lickin' good. Have some body over for a bite. Or cocktails. Oh god. Please, somebody slap me. Make me stop.